Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Bass Pro Shops - Flea Market for the Suh-fis-toe-kay-ted

Recently, with some time to kill in Denver, CO, I took my first trip to "Bass Pro Shops Outdoor World". My partner in my t-shirt company (, designed a board game that is basically Monopoly for Deer hunters ( It was so successful, that he designed a second game for Wild Turkey hunters. Both games can be found in Bass Pro Shops, so I decided it would be cool to go in and look around and send him a picture of his game on sale all the way across country in Denver.

I had no idea how many pictures I'd be taking, or that a new blog was in the midst. So here are my favorite things about this wonderful store...

Some Of The Things You Can Buy

Whitetailopoly - This is my friend's game so I would never make fun of the fact that it exists. My favorite thing about this is that the store actually felt the need to open the game, and then glue every card, fake money, and all of the little gamepieces to the board itself so you can see what it's about. Is there anyone out there who wouldn't know what "Whitetailopoly" is? Doesn't the name explain every question you could possibly have about what's inside that box? It's not like some guy takes this home and says, "This isn't what I wanted!" If that guy exists, then maybe he should be buying "Chutes and Treestands".

Barbie Fishing Gear - This one I think saddens me more than anything. I mean, either be a girly girl, or a tomboy. Don't try to make the two worlds collide. This would be the equivalent of having a GI Joe tea set or a Malibu Voltron Dreamhouse. If you want to fish as a little girl, then fill the cooler with a six-pack, learn to burp, and get over your fear of worms. Otherwise, you'll turn your back and she'll be putting lip gloss and gill polish on all the fish you caught that day.

Rocket Fishing Rod - Just when I thought fishing couldn't get any lazier. Not only is it too much work to sit in a boat and get hammered all day, but apparently there were a lot of torn rotator cuffs due to the strain of casting out your bait into the water. Luckily, you don't even have to move with this new gadget that launches the hook with the press of a button. Now Bink Winkelman doesn't have to get Tommy John surgery, or go on the Pro-Fishing Disabled List, he just has to make sure he doesn't get carpel tunnel in his thumb and he's good to go.

Underwater Video Viewing System - Since most people can't afford to go to the crystal blue waters of the Gulf of Mexico where you can see all the way to the bottom, now you can have your own underwater camera. We're talking about technology that was probably developed by the US Millitary to fight off enemy submarines that is now in the hands of Joe Bob. Doesn't this take the fun out of it? It would be like playing poker and being able to see everyone's hands before you play. Between this and your new Rocket Pole (see above), you'll be back from the lake in an hour with enough food to feed all of your illegitimate children, and plenty of energy left to beat them.

Giant Fish Mailbox - Isn't it hilarious? Get it? It's a big fish...that holds your all of your mail. My problem is that the average US Postal Service employee has a tough enough job as it is. Braving the elements on a daily basis to make sure this hillbilly gets all of his hunting magazines. What better way to make them loathe their job more than to say, "Hey man, do me a favor, take what dignity you have and go home to your family and tell them how you spent your day putting some envelopes into a big ol' bass mouth." And we wonder why the mailmen decide to shoot people...

Giant Fish Body Pillows - I know when I was a kid, the only thing that was missing from my bed was a giant fish pillow to snuggle with at night. I wonder if the color scheme in your room has anything to do with which pillow you choose. The boys get a Shark pillow and the girls get Salmon. And if you're gay, you can get the Rainbow Trout. Let it just be said, that if someone ever meets the person who came up with this idea, I'd love for them to be shown what "sleeping with the fishes" is supposed to mean.

Camouflage Harmonica & Bible - Thank God for both of these items. I know that people are always stealing my harmonica and Bible. If only I could disguise them as trees, then people would just walk right past them. Luckily, Bass Pro Shops has come up with a solution for both. Everyone knows that a good camp fire song followed by reading some scripture are just the two things to put you in the mood to kill something.

The only problem is, what happens when I'm actually in the woods and drop one of them? Do you know how hard it would be to find? Not only have you lost your harmonica and/or Bible, but there's a good chance a squirrel will try to make a home in it, or some woodpecker will drill a few more notes into my precious instrument. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the Bible is for a preacher who likes to fish. So that when he is ready to eat his meal, he can reference the perfect verse to send the little guy's soul to fish heaven, and bless the food at the same time. And that's where they got the term, "Holy Mackerel".

Food Dehydrator & Jerky Maker - "Are you tired of being at home watching 'Walker Texas Ranger' and not having anything to snack on? Don't feel like running to the gas station to stock up on your favorite sundries? Not sure what sundries are? Then you're probably a JERKY FAN!" I love the brand name and picture they use too: "OPEN COUNTRY" with a big mountain range. If you're out there, you probably don't have anywhere to plug this in, nor the ingredients with which to make it. Then again, if you eat enough jerky that requires you to find a more economical way to produce it for yourself, then you probably have bigger problems than this machine could fix.

Other Stuff I Loved About This Place...

Starbucks - Yep, they have a Starbucks in Bass Pro Shops. Isn't this the equivalent of crossing the streams in Ghostbusters? My point being, these two types of people should never meet. No where on Earth should you be able to purchase a Vente Caramel Steamer Sub Soy and a gallon of deer urine without having to walk outside at some point.

Aquarium & Fish Restaurant In The Same Building -
Am I the only person on Earth who has a problem with putting a seafood restaurant near an aquarium? Does anyone else find it the least bit disturbing that a parent could tell their child, "Ricky, this is what a blue gill looks like," then turn the kid around and say, "Now let's go see what it tastes like."?

Furnish Your Home With Redneck Decor - This was one of my favorite parts. They had some of the most horrid furniture you've ever seen. Below you'll see pictures of 3 different camouflage recliners, and an entire living room set with a pattern that would make John Deere himself vomit. I had to zoom in on the design just to make sure you could see it. If you're in someone's home and they ask you to make yourself comfortable on one of these, find new friends.

So there you have it. My phone ran out of space for pictures but there was plenty more to see, and I encourage everyone to check out one of these places when you have the chance. For years, I've talked about heading out to a flea market to brighten your day, but it looks like I've found a new place to cheer me up.

Hope to see you out there,



simkid said...

this is great!

tom simmons

Anonymous said...

That was too funny! To bad that furniture is in my basement! NOT!


Anonymous said...

i've actually been in a home that is decked out in the camouflage furniture. needless to say they had plenty of mounted dead animals to complete the decor.

MsMcGillicutty said...

You are hilarious honey! You should definately blog more often. I love it!

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