More Than Meets The Retina

As comedians, one of things we pride ourselves most on is our originality. Our ability to craft a joke that no one else has written. Sure, there are those out there who blatantly steal jokes, there's parallel thought, and more than one person has written the same joke on numerous occasions. In the comedy business, being labeled a thief is the worst.

That being said, I always get a kick out of blatant copyright infringement in other industries. I love looking at the name some grocery stores give their knockoff cereal brands. Instead of "Rice Krispies", you'll find "Krispy Rice". Right next to "Frosted Flakes", there's "Frosty Flakes of Corn". I think my all time favorite was "Lucky Trinkets".

Anyway, I was looking for something to rent at the video store recently and I saw this gem:

Transmorphers!? Are you kidding me!? I haven't watched this movie yet, but I wonder what it could be about. What kind of cojones do you have to have to approve or write this movie? I've pitched ideas for TV shows and my manager tells me, "That sounds something like a silent film I saw and it's been done."

What's the pitch here? In the same summer as Transformers debuts and breaks box office records, some guy was in a board room, "Ok, um, I have an idea for a movie. These robots can turn into everyday machines and they want to have a war on Earth."

"Um, John...that was a cartoon and is now a major motion picture....LET'S MAKE IT!"

What's next from this company...

"This Christmas, it's the story of a little boy who is left behind while his family goes on vacation. Watch him ward off two burgalars in this hilarious original film, "Home By Myself"."

"Next summer, it's the story of a Vietnam Veteran whos country turns their back on him when he gets home from the war. Be sure to watch, "Born the Day After July 3."

Ok...one more

"A Marine is killed by two fellow soldiers who were just following orders given to them by a controversial General. Lots of drama awaits in..."A Few Good Guys"."

Hope to see you out there,

Josh

Favorite Commercials

There are some commercials out there right now that make me laugh every time I watch them. However, when I've gone to talk about them to some of my friends, they haven't seen them. So I'd like to put out there the following links, hoping people will get as much of a chuckle out of them as I have.

Hope to see you out there,

Josh

Commercial 1: Snickers Commercial - Just plain hilarious. Lord knows I've always thought Snickers deserved a love song.

Commercial 2: Chad Johnson ESPN - The best player in the league shows why even his opponents get a kick out of him.

Commercials 3 & 4: Avia Roadkill - These might be two of my favorite commercials of all time...and I have no idea why.

"Drafting"

"Respect"

You Will Always Be My Boo

Well it had to happen at some point. I'm surprised it hadn't happened yet. When I tell you I got booed tonight...I got booed. It wasn't a "Now that wasn't very nice" kind of boo. It was a "We don't know you, and we don't like you" kind of boo. It was the kind of boo that might have made me quit comedy had it happened when I first started. The kind of boo that would render a ghost speechless. It took 8 1/2 years of doing stand-up, but it finally happened: I got booed offstage...twice...in the same show.

I have always prided myself in attempting comedy in any situation. Outdoors, bars, mixed audiences, you name it, I've done it. One time I tried to do a set in front of hungover Applebee's Employees at 8am on a Saturday morning as part of their "WOW" program. They made several trips to the breakfast bar setup for them, which was conveniently 3 steps behind where I was trying to "entertain". One guy actually asked, "Where are the clean plates?" at a volume louder than which I was speaking.

What's the point? Tonight was healthy. I suggest you try it. The feeling of having people hate you for no reason is something every human being should experience. It's humbling. It's a reality check. It's motivation. I won't say it was racism, but it was definatley prejudiced. When I was introduced tonight, I could immediately tell that outside the first few rows, no one was listening. I was in the setup of my first joke when then first boo broke out. Then the entire back of the room seemed to form a chorus on the spot. "Can't I get a joke out before you decide you don't like me?" I asked. "No mother f___! Booooooo!" I heard something yelled about "that gel in your hair". Something very original I'm sure. Knowing that this was a no win situation, I placed the mic back in the micstand, and motioned for the emcee to come back to the stage. He told the audience he was going to bring me back up there and to show me some respect because he's seen me before, and "he's funny."

I went back up there and decided to give them a second chance as well. I started a new bit and right before I got to the punchline "BOOOO!" It was obvious that I wasn't going to get a fair shot. I shouted back "If you think it's so easy, come on up here and let's hear your best joke. We'll go one on one and see who the professional is." The crowd erupted with applause and cheers "Good for you white boy." I waited a good 30 seconds and thought for sure someone would be making their way toward the stage. I had done it, I had stood my ground, the tide had turned. No one came to the stage, they knew I was serious. I started a joke for the 3rd time and guess what happened this time......"BOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Once again, I left the stage, defeated. But it wasn't a "I had my turn and failed defeat." It was of the sucker punch varitey. I hadn't even been able to get one bit out. People in the first three rows saying "Stay up there, tell your jokes." People in the last 8 rows doing their best Casper impression. How do I know that people are full of crap? Because I can't count how many people said, "I liked you, don't let them get you down" as they passed by me after the show. How can you have liked me? As much as I didn't have a chance to bomb, I didn't have a chance for you to decide I was funny.

No props for being from Cincinnati, no respect for the accomplishments I've made and what I've tried to do for the local comedy scene. It was just a bunch of thugs with free tickets to a club who show why they don't have jobs that would let them be able to pay to get in. Chad Johnson, Cincinnati Bengal and my favorite player was the host of the event, and I was able to get him to sign a painting that my good buddy Darin Overholser did of him for my personal collection. So that kept the night from being a total loss.In closing, let me say that this isn't a journal entry to fish for compliments and reaffirmations that I'm doing some things people enjoy. IN NO WAY did tonight deter me from my goals or my drive to be a better comic. I just wanted to share the story with anyone who cared to read it, and remind everyone that being a comic is hard and as Mitch Hedberg described it, "a very noble occupation." It's ok to not like someone's comedy, but don't trash whatever it is they're trying to do, just because it's not your cup of malt liquour.

I've seen my name show up in more than one blog from people who don't care for my humor. I've seen genuinely funny and nice guys like Larry The Cable Guy and Bill Engvall get trashed for basically being successful. Who gives a rat's ass if you don't like what they do? Their success shows that plenty of other people do. Laugh when you want to laugh, it's that simple. Give respect to those who are out there trying to follow a dream. We all have our offnights, Lord knows I had my worst one tonight. But if you don't think it's funny, then don't laugh. Win people over by letting them appreciate your sense of humor, not by getting them to agree with you on who's not funny. I know plenty of people who think I'm not funny, I've met audiences full. They fed me "hmrph's" and even sometimes complete silence, but hey, at least they didn't "boo".

Hope to see you out there,

Josh

Silly Hat Day

For all of those who say I don't have a real job, that I have more free time than I know what to do with, that I need a hobby...I submit the following.

In the heart of Louisville, KY, there's a wonderful restaurant called Lynn's Paradise Cafe. Great food and an awesome gift shop (think Cracker Barrel meets...awesome gift shop).

Aside from their famous "magic pants", Albert Einstein action figures, and a book for white people on how to speak "street", Lynn's features quite a silly hat collection. My good friend, and fellow comedian, Dan Davidson and I decided to use our time waiting for a table to try on these fancy hats. As always, I was armed with my camera phone and what you're about to see are the results of our adventure...

Not sure if Dan is granting wishes or touching altar boys in this lovely selection.

I always wanted to be a retarded super hero.

Do you really want to hurt me?

Sailing....takes me away.

Ready for some raping and pillaging.

He gives out Golden Tickets like candy.

Brokeback Barbaro

Dolphin Safe Davidson

Look, I'm a pot head. Good Lord I'm funny.

Trojan Man!

(you write the joke)

Me finally getting laid.

Kohls Has Racist Mannequins

I'm not usually one to judge retail giants. But Kohl's...shame on you.

I was perusing through a Kohl's department store near my house recently when I noticed something odd about the mannequins in the children's clothing department. Mind you, Kohl's is just one big open room, not multi-level. So you can pretty much see every section from the main walkway. I look up and notice a young white male mannequin in the most stereotypical pose. I'm not sure if he's supposed to be surfing, skateboarding, or on ecstacy, but it's one of the "whitest" outfits on a blonde haired, blue eyed boy. And the pose made me think, "That's what Kohl's thinks that a kid wearing this outfit would do." Here's what I'm talking about:

Still don't see it? Ok, here's another example. I look down the wall and notice a young African-American, or black, male mannequin. Completely different outfit...completely different pose. I'm not sure if he's shooting dice or ducking down to watch for the cops, but it just looks like he's up to no good. SHAME ON YOU KOHL'S! Here he is:

The last one was the most disturbing. Maybe i don't get out much, but I've never seen a retarded mannequin...until that day at Kohl's. You might ask, "Josh, how do you know it was retarded?" You tell me:

UNBELIEVABLE!!! Why don't they just put a helmet on him and paint some drool on his chin while they're at it? I couldn't believe it. Look how terrified the kid on the right is. It's like he's saying, "I hope none of my friends see this kid talking to me." And what's with that angelic glow on him? Is Kohl's trying to tell us that retarded kids are going to hell? Lastly, I understand that you have to be politically correct in our country these days, but who's going to buy the outfit on the left for their kid? So the kids at school could say, "This is what a mongoloid would wear. Kohl's says so."

If you couldn't tell, I have a lot of free time.

Hope to see you out there,

Josh

Bill Burr and The Guy From "Weekend At Bernie's"

Ok, every once in a while you have a laugh that cleanses your soul. A laugh that makes you feel like you're going to throw up. A laugh that brings tears to your eyes, and gives you the impression you just finished 1,000 crunches. Last Sunday, I shared one of those laughs with comedian Bill Burr. If you don't know who he is, get out from under your rock, do a search for him on MySpace or just look in my Top 8. In the few days I worked with him, he's already become one of my favorite comics.

So Bill and I are having lunch at The Cheesecake Factory in Tampa. Just a couple of gentlemen, enjoying some delicious unhealthy food, watching a little golf on a Sunday afternoon. A blind guy and two of his friends sit at the hightop table next to ours, and Bill jokes, "There's the guy from 'Weekend at Bernie's'." We both get a chuckle. It really did look like the guy.

I then tell Bill of my idea for my website to take pictures with people who look like celebrities, but obviously aren't them. He thinks it's a great idea and offers to somehow take the picture of Bernie and I. So we have to devise a plan where I somehow get into the picture but no one knows it's being taken.

We decide the best method is for Bill to walk to the end of the bar and stroll behind the two friends of Bernie's that still have their sight, while I stretch or something to move into frame. He would take the picture in passing since the blind guy would obviously not be able to see Bill right in front of him. The plan alone had us trying not to laugh.

All of the actors were in place and Bill makes his move, but right as he gets in to take the picture, Bernie leans forward to take a bite of his food and is now blocked from view. ABORT! ABORT! Bill sees it too and returns to his starting position. He makes the second pass and I pretend to drop my napkin then perform the most horribly acted, over-the-top stretch I could muster. Above all of the chatter in the restaurant you could definately hear the click of the camera phone as Bill walked by.

We both sit back down at the table and with no emotion on his face he slides the phone to me for my viewing pleasure. The photo I looked at is below.

The second I saw this picture, I let out the most obnoxious laugh you've ever heard. There was no way I could contain myself. Bill, trying not to laugh, lost it as well. Five good minutes of laughters that had both of our eyes welled up and stomachs aching. When one of us would gain our composure, the other one would lose it again. While I definately think to appreciate the situation and what we went through to take this picture you "had to be there", it was just a story that I thought was worth sharing.

Hope to see you out there,

Josh

America's Past Time

"Put me in coach, I'm ready to play...today."

I love baseball. More importantly, I love America's first professional baseball team, the Cincinnati Reds. Opening Day in Cincinnati is one of the biggest events of the year, as it should be. People take off work, kids get out of school early, and everyone focuses on the baseball game. There are certain things you can always look forward to when attending Red's games. The smell of fresh cut grass, teaching kids about the benefits of steroids, and lots and lots of drunk people. It never fails that the Red's get everyone's hopes up early in the year. But usually we'll see a Ken Griffey Jr. injury, horrible relief and closer pitching, and then some guy from AAA comes up big at the end of the season to be sure and instill "hope for next year".

We had great seats for Opening Day this year. Thanks Phil.

So there we were, Opening Day. What a setup. The New York Mets had a huge offseason and acquired the likes of Carlos Beltran and Pedro Martinez. The Reds gave up ahome run in the first inning. "Here we go again.", we thought. "Same ol' Reds". But in the bottom of the first, the Reds scored three runs on ahomer by Adam Dunn (see also "stud"). Well, we might have a game afterall. But we still had 8 more innings to get through, so I decided to start one of my favorite activities: people watching. It wasn't too long before I found a gem. He was a few rows in front of us and he was "that guy" all day long.

"Man I'm sure glad I'm not hanging drywall today."

I first noticed this gentleman whenthe stars and stripespeeked out from under his ball cap. Everyone attending the game that day gotten an American flag to wave during the National Anthem, but this guy had a vision. "What if I use it to keep my neck cool for the rest of the game" Brilliant. How do you think our soldiers overseas would feel, or those who fought so fearlessly in wars past if they knew that the symbol of freedom that they were shedding blood and giving up their lives for was being used by some hillbilly in Northern Kentucky to keep his neck from getting any "redder" I thought this might be the guy to watch for the rest of the game. Five minutes later, he tried to start "the wave" (see circa 1985). We are locked on target.

Pedro Martinez proceeded to shut down the next 15 batters, striking out 13 of them. By the 7th inning, the Mets were back on top 6-4. I had to get an update on our friend a few rows up, and sure enough I called it, the shirt had come off.

"It's such a nice day, maybe I won't go home and beat my illegitimate children afterall."

The innings kept rolling, the Reds kept getting out, and this guy kept drinking. He was starting to get loud and yell at everyone from the cotton candy girl to the umpire behind the plate. This guy was getting hammered, and I started to realize why they chose to use plastic beer bottles at the stadium. Phil was getting prettyintoxicated himself at this point, but at least he behaves himself and keeps it fun. He's one of the funniest "non-comics" I know, and a big Reds fan. He's the best.

Phil and I in the stands.

In all fairness, the bald guy wasn't the only one deterring my attention from the game. The guy behind me was even worse. Why is there always some white trash father who decides to take his mullet-head kids to the baseball game and proceed to explain everything they're ever learned about baseball which usually boils down to video games and memorizing "Bull Durham" Every pitch, every play, this guy feels the need to explain to his entire row what just happened. And you can't turn around and correct him everytime. One time I wanted to just turn around and awe his children with something even he didn't know. "You see kids, that pop-up to the shortstop is called a 'can of corn'. It's a term that refers back to the old grocery store days when the clerks couldn't reach the items on the top shelf. They'd have to use the end of a broomstick to knock the can off of the shelf and then they'd catch it in their apron...'can of corn'." (see EA SportsTriple Play Baseball2004 for Playstation). What's our other friend up to...

"Say it to my face."

Don't ask me what he's yelling about, I have no idea. but I had to snap a quick pic. Have you no shame sir So here we are in the 9th inning, Reds still losing 6-4. The Cincinnati Reds unfaithful started to leave the park. Not us. The first guy up, Austin Kearns got a base hit to lead off the 9th. Adam Dunn stepped in and sent his second home run of the game over the fence. I told you he was a stud. All of a sudden, it's 6-6. The place is ROCKING! This was the first time I saw people stop and return to their seats when they were about to leave. Suddenly, the stadium was packed again and people are going nuts. Enter Joe Randa. Joe Randa's first game as a Cincinnati Red since being picked up from the Kasas City Royals in the offseason. He'd had a great game so far, but with one pitch, Joe Randa put a ball over the left field wall giving the Cincinnati Reds their first ever walk-off home run in the history of the club. One word: pandamonium.

The tall stacks came alive as the Reds start the season 1-0.

What'll happen from here Who knows. The Reds are in one of the toughest divisions in baseball. But who cares really There will still be white trash people with their shirts off getting drunk and using "Old Glory" instead of sunscreen. There will still be home runs and overpriced parking. And we'll keep going to the games, cheering for the Reds, buying peanuts and cracker jacks. And to be honest, I don't care if I ever get back.

Hope to see you out there...

Josh

Missing Mitch Hedberg

Forgive me if there is bad grammar or typos in this post, but I'm writing with a heavy heart. It's a sad, sad day in the world of comedy. Mitch Hedberg, arguably the greatest comic of our generation, has died. He leaves behind a loving wife, thousands upon thousands of fans, and a group of comedy peers who will never forget the impact he had on our business, and our lives.

The first time I saw Mitch, I was sitting in the office of Go Bananas Comedy Club, my home club in Cincinnati. John Chung, the General Manager at the time showed me a tape of Mitch on Louie Anderson's Comic Strip show. He said he was considering bringing Mitch to the club. That few minutes of watching Mitch changed my life. By the end of the set he had become my favorite comedian, and nothing has changed that to this day.

When John decided to book Mitch, I begged and pleaded to let me be the emcee that week. And as luck would have it, I was also booked to work with him in Dayton the very next week. Two weeks back-to-back with my favorite comedian'it was surreal. That was April of 1999. Later that year, Go Bananas booked Mitch to come headline on New Year's Eve, the biggest comedy night of the year, and I got to host again. That night, Mitch asked me if I wanted to come open for him in Grand Forks, ND for a special Valentine's Day show. Of course I wanted to, but was skeptical if it would work out. A lot of headliners make a lot of promises, but Mitch was one of the rare ones who actually followed through.

(Backstage at The Punchline in Atlanta, GA)

Grand Forks, ND in February, wow. If there was one word to describe Grand Forks in February, it wouldn't be 'warm'. We all met up in Minneapolis, (we being Mitch, his wife, Mike Spurlock, his wife Sydney, Chuck Savage, and a comic from Seattle named Rico). We had an absolute blast, and I think the experience of going to North Dakota would not have been anything like that, had I been there with anyone else.

In July 2001, when I quit my day job, Mitch was the first headliner to ask me to come feature for him. He took me to his favorite club in Houston, TX, The Laff Stop. I can't tell you how amazing it felt to have my favorite comedian, take a liking to me. He didn't have to help me, and I know it wasn't a big deal to him, but he knew it was a big deal to me.

(Left to right: Jamie Lissow, Landon Lyons, Mitch, Me, Tom Simmons)

Last year in '04, Mitch recorded the introduction for my first comedy CD. He told people to 'sit back, relax, have a drink, and listen to the comedy of my favorite Josh Sneed. In a magazine article, he dropped my name and called me to tell me to be sure and get a copy. On Letterman he told people that another friend of ours, Brian Hurzee deserved to be on the show. That was Mitch. Any chance he could take to help out someone else, he took it.

Mitch has had a bigger impact on my life than any other comedian. He showed that you can be successful to the fans, and still have the utmost respect of your peers. He was quoted more than any comic I've ever worked with. I only hope that one day I can get to a point where I could do an hour of material, and have people in the audience yell out jokes they want me to do, even though they know them by heart. He was easily considered one of Dave Letterman's favorite comedians. George Carlin told Larry King that Mitch was one of his favorites. And just as he was reaching a point in his career where he could sit back, relax, and enjoy the benefits of all the hard work he's put in for so many years, it all came to a screeching halt.

Drugs got the better of Mitch, but I don't want to dwell on that.It's such a sad way to picture such a comedy icon.And I don't want to preach to anyone about the dangers of drugs.But when you can see that a man at the top of his game, who had just about everything you could ask for in this business, lose a battle to a substance like that, it should be a wake-up call to everyone.No matter what your vice is, get your life in check.Mitch's legacy will stretch for many, many years.He will be remembered as an amazing comic whose life was cut tragically short because of an addiction.

I think my friend Mark Gross offered the best prospective on this whole situation.He said, 'Well, we're lucky to have known him.If there was any silver lining, I couldn't have put it better.When I hear guys talk about working with Bill Hicks or Sam Kinnison, I always thought, 'How cool would it have been to see them''But I know one day I'll tell these same stories and people will react the same way about Mitch.I'm very lucky to not only have seen him and worked with him, but to have actually spent time with him and Lynn on a friendship level.

(Hanging with Mitch and Lynn backstage at Zanie's in Nashville)

What's the point of this entry? I don't know really.Maybe it was just a reason to recall some of the memories and good times I had with Mitch.Maybe it was to paint a better picture of exactly who he was to other comics and myself.Maybe it was to serve as a reminder of the dangers of drugs.But I guess it doesn't matter why I wrote it.Whatever you decide to take from this, if anything, just be sure to do a reality check in your life.Decide what's important, and realize that the choices you make don't always just affect yourself, but possibly many others.So for now we'll just go on.Doing our shows, telling our jokes, but keeping in mind the fact that one of our brothers has fallen.He's gone, but not forgotten.If you have a minute, say a little prayer for his wife Lynn, she needs it right now.

I could go on and on with stories, but I'll end this here.Mitch, we miss you already.You've left a lasting impact on a lot of us, and we'll try our best to come close to the bar you've set so high as a human, comedian, and loyal friend.And for a while, every time I go onstage, or think of one of your clever bits, or hear you on the radio, or play your CD, or go back to a club you helped me get into, I'll remember all of the advice you gave me and just give it my best, like you did.And I only hope everyone finds someone that they can look up to and admire, and be proud to call their friend like I did you -- my friend Mitch.Rest in peace, brother.

Hope To See You Up There,

Josh

Mitch Hedberg

1968-2005

(To learn more about Mitch and the legacy he leaves behind, visit http://www.mitchhedberg.net )